Category: Words of life

Remembering Truth: Part 1

I have been living out of the trenches of life the past few months. Ever been there? When nothing seems like its going the way you had expected? Crazy days merge into a crazy week that becomes a crazy month?? Ups and downs and kids and a husband thrown into the mix. Meal planning and school work, dentist visits, play dates, and games and practices galore. What was it I was supposed to remember? I know I have forgotten something. Seems like you can’t catch a minute to stop and breathe?? Feeling like you’ve been beaten up and left in the ditch crying? Deep inside, you know that the Lord is near and will never leave you, but the feelings can overwhelm and paralyze at times and make you feel so totally alone.

As I’ve been reflecting back over the past year or three, I am constantly reminded that God has kept true to his Word through these ups and downs of my life and my grief. He has been so very faithful to his ancient promises. He has been so close to me my entire life, from the time of conception until now. My life has been a miracle from the very beginning. It’s the remembering and re-membering that I struggle with.

In my daily reading I came across the following passage that really spoke to me. I know I’ve read this before but it was like new eyes had read it this time. The very phrases; call on his name, Remember the wonders he had done! Praise the Lord He is near to me and is ever listening to me when I praise Him, give thanks, or need anything!

Psalm 105:1-5 says:

Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;

Make known among the nations what he has done. …

Look to the LORD and his strength;

Seek his face always.

Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,

 

Dig in with me for a minute, verse one talks of giving thanks and calling on his name. LORD. He is our Lord and Master, plain and simple. If, we are born again Christians and have professed faith in Jesus as our Savior, then indeed He is our one and only Lord and Master. No matter what our current needs are, our circumstances, our LORD will hear when we call on his name. Throughout the bible there are literally hundreds and hundreds of names for the LORD depending on the content, have a peek for yourself.

So what’s the big deal about His name anyway? Does God have “good” names and ” bad” names? Aren’t they all really the same, Lord or God? Meaning a higher power over us? Yes, but the more we get to know the character of God and build our relationship with Him through reading the Word and prayer, things get to be so much sweeter and more personal. Doesn’t it make you light up inside when someone calls you by name, the fact they care enough to know and use your name? Imagine how God must feel when we learn to call on him by one of his many specific names?

I read a quote recently that simply read,

Bam! Does that truth hit you as hard as it hit me when I first read that? If not, let it really soak down into your heart for a second.  Names carry so much weight to them. They tell of the wonderful and sometimes frightening characteristics of a person. Some names we tend to believe and respond to easier depending on what we are going through at the time. If we are afraid and overwhelmed, knowing that we can call on Jehovah Shalom, the Lord of Peace.

No sin of ours can separate us from His love. There is nothing we could do to make Him love us more and nothing we could do to make him love us less. Never.

If we go back to Genesis 1:1 (In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.)  We will find the very first mention of God’s name. Elohim which is translated strength, power, and creator. If we are feeling weak and powerless, who better to call on for help than our very own Elohim, the creator of the world? The next book over, in Exodus 3 when God is speaking to Moses through the burning bush about freeing the Israelites from slavery, he says his name is I AM WHO I AM. Meaning he is I AM, Jehovah, or Yahweh. He is The LORD over our forefathers and this will be his name forever. He is an independent God and possesses all authority in heaven and on earth!

Have you ever heard that the LORD is a jealous God? That sounds like a controversial characteristic of him doesn’t it? But in the book of Exodus and Nahum we see that he indeed is referred to a jealous and wrathful God, El Qanna.  But it is an important part of his just character, for His glory and our GOOD!

Exodus 20:5 (NLT) says it best: You must not bow down to them(idols/gods) or worship them,

for I, the Lord your God,

am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods.

Nahum 1:2(NLT) says: The Lord is a jealous God,
    filled with vengeance and rage.
He takes revenge on all who oppose him
    and continues to rage against his enemies!

 

The LORD is due all of our praise, honor, attention, and affection. If we give that to another, He then is holy jealous for us to return to him what is due him because he is righteous and faithful to all of his promises in his Word.

Deuteronomy 4:15b says: Therefore watch yourselves very carefully, so that you do not become corrupt and make for yourself an idol. Deut. 4:24 proclaims, For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. If, and, when we do fall and sin against the Lord, there is glorious news! Remember this, verse 29 reads, if we seek the LORD, we will find him if we look for him with all our hearts and souls. He wants us back! He wants us to call on His Name!  Verse 31 promises:

For the Lord your God is a merciful and compassionate God;

He will not fail you, nor destroy you,

nor forget the covenant with your fathers which He swore to them.

Merciful is defined as forgiving, tender-hearted, sympathetic, generous, and a blessing. Similarly, compassionate is defined as understanding, lenient, and kind. In other words, we can call Him God Almighty, El Shaddai! He has it all, He is self-sustaining, and provides all that we need as well, because of His great love for us! Remember to call on Him regularly!

So this post is mainly a reminder post for me to remember the goodness of Jehovah Shalom, my Elohim! Father, forgive me for my sin and my disbelief, remind me of your goodness, your loving-kindness, and your forgiveness.

I do also hope that you found a piece of wisdom that helps you out as well. In part two of this post, we will look at the names that He lovingly calls us.

 

 

 

 

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Grief and loss: Comfort from Ruth 1

This morning while doing my daily scripture writing, we were in the book of Ruth, chapter one.

The verses were 16 and 17: But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me ever so severely,  if anything but death separates you and me,”

 

Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Many times Tiffany would say, I’m sure you are tired of me and my crazy life full of trials and “you cant make this up” moments. She would apologize like she could control what would happen to her and her family. She would apologize for her illness and her deafness. She embraced them both but in moments of weakness, she wished she was a “normal” person. She was such a fascinating and unique person, that’s part of the reason I was drawn to her and loved her so much. I would always reassure her that I loved her, her uniqueness, and that I wasn’t going anywhere; over and over I would reassure her. I know it was her illness talking, the bipolar monster that ate away at her day after day after day. Never fully leaving her alone.

Even though there was a great distance in our homes because of our relocation, her in VA and I in NC, we still talked and talked on a regular basis and every time we were together we spent hours and hours sharing and re-sharing what had happened since the last time we were together.

Usually the morning after getting into town we would go have breakfast together, breakfast usually lasted 2-3 hours, oftentimes more. She would always get french toast, or raisin toast if they had it, grits and eggs. Coffee with a cup of milk and a glass of water. One morning in particular at Koffee Kup I remember teasing her because she wouldn’t drink the water without a straw. I questioned her and she said, “well the glass might be dirty or something.” I reminded her we drank the coffee without a straw and we are just fine. We had a good laugh about that!

Where you go, I will go. Tiffany loved being outdoors and didn’t mind getting really dirty. I love the outdoors too but I am a little more OCD than her and sitting in a stall of pigs is not my cup of tea but she would do it every chance she got. I would cautiously stand at the door, admire the cute pigs, and watched my step as we left. We both loved to go fishing but she was the one to bait the hook, I have a crazy fear of fish hooks and getting one stuck in me. One time at the pond, she found a huge bullfrog and even posed with it.

Your people will be my people…Tiffany’s family became my family also, sharing many times together. Her deaf church family also became my family. I was privileged to be welcomed by all of them when I attended different events with her. We surprised her with a baby shower for Karoline, held get togethers at her home with cheap cappuccinos, had a painting party where we painted peacocks, and even after her death we fellowshipped many times.

Your God my God…she always encouraged me by leading me closer and closer to Jesus. All that she did, she did with great love and grace. She made me want to be a better follower of Jesus. She spurred me on and was constantly asking me. “how can I pray for you?” She gave me a lovely peach colored journal just before she left for her last deaf ladies retreat in October 2016. The cover simply stated, “Live a great story.”  She wrote a sweet heart felt note in the front of the journal to get me started. “Who knew my friendship with you would grow so much. I am so thankful for this God ordained, awesome, so strong friend. You point me to Jesus over and over and over again.” That’s exactly how I feel about her. My so strong, Jesus loving, awesome friend. She certainly lived a great story that continues even now, after her passing.

May the Lord deal with me ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me…

Well our story ends in death. Death way too soon for this fragile and desperate heart. Tiffany took her own life and left this earth on the early morning of April 22nd, 2017. To be absent of the body, is to be present with the Lord. 2 Corinthians 5:1-10. That is the promise I am clinging to. She is with Jesus in heaven now. We called each other, best friends this side of heaven. My best friend is now in heaven and I am still here missing her so very greatly. We had a running joke, “don’t beat me to Jesus,” when we were saying our goodbyes until the next time we met. Well, she beat me and I guess the competitive spirit in me is mad because she won so soon! We didn’t have to chance to grow old together. See our children graduate, get married and start families of their own. Never had to chance to take beach vacations together, or enjoy the deck with a another nice cup of coffee.

It has been five weeks since she left us. Seems like a small eternity without my girl. My phone is so quiet these days without her texts, pictures, and Facebook tags.

Life is not easy without my friend. Life hurts right now. She was my person, my go to girl! She was the best friend a girl could ask for and I tried my best to be that for her as well. Grief and loss is a strange and complicated thing. I don’t like it one bit. But I have to constantly and continuously remind myself, Tiffany is healed now. She is with her maker now. She is whole now. She fought the good fight, she finished the race. I will see her again one day! God will restore me, He will sustain me, and He will never leave me. I believe that with my whole heart because His word is true and alive!

1 Timothy 6:11-12: But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.  Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

 

 

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Easter is all about Jesus!

“Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.” Isaiah 55:6

There will be a time when we call on the Lord and it will be too late! Our time will have passed and we will be separated from God and his presence for ever and ever, for all eternity future!

Easter is this weekend and it is my favorite time of the year. Easter brings newness. New season, new life outdoors-trees budding, flowers sprouting up, animal life comes out from hibernation. Usually new clothes in bright new shades.

As a girl I didn’t know Jesus and we didn’t attend church but we did celebrate Easter with a huge meal and an egg hunt at a relative’s house. It was so much fun to get together with some of my cousins and spend almost the whole day together playing, eating, egg hunting, discovering what was inside the eggs, and getting unique prizes from my uncle. We would then re-hide the eggs for each other to find. We did this until dark because spring break was usually the week after and the time change had recently happened and we enjoyed every bit of sunlight.

I remember thinking to myself as a child, there has to be more to this “Easter” thing than Easter bunnies who filled my basket with candy and goodies, egg hunts, silly hats and gloves that I’d seen in Hills and K-Mart while we were there to get out picture taken with a guy in a rabbit suit in a large wicker chair. Even then God was pursuing my heart. Praise Him!

The great news to me and every person is, yes there is more to this Easter thing and his name is Jesus!

Biblical truths as we approach Easter

  1. Easter is about redemption, salvation, and new life. New life because of Jesus and what he did to save us. We all are in need of a Savior and now is the time to realize that before it is too late. The Lord has numbered all of our days and if we have not repented of our sins and placed our faith and trust in Him before our last day, my friend, it will be too late to call on Him.                 “Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon.”  Isaiah 55:7
  2. Jesus was born on our behalf. He lived a sinless life, and was crucified for us.  Surely he took up OUR wickedness/pains/griefs/sins and carried OUR sorrows/sickness/diseases but he was pierced for OUR rebellion/transgressions and he was crushed for OUR iniquities/sins/immorality; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds/death/burial/resurrection we are healed. Paraphrased from Isaiah 53:4-5 Alleluia! What a promise to hold onto. Easter is a grand celebration of his victory over death and the grave. He was raised to life again to bring us new life and better than just life…Life eternal in heaven with the Heavenly Father and Jesus by his side. Jesus says in John 14:6, ” I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
  3. Easter is better known as Resurrection Sunday. The day we pause and ponder what his life,. death, and resurrection means to us personally. It is a very bittersweet to deeply think about because life and death are heavy subjects but we do not have to face death with any sense of fear whatsoever! If we have placed our faith and trust in Jesus himself. Even with death for this body, comes new life in Paradise for all who believe.
  4. Remember and remind yourself often, ” for he bore the sins of many, and made intercession for the transgressors,” Isaiah 53:12b. Jesus intervened to save us. Every last one of us. Every unworthy, undeserving sinner like you and like me. There is nothing we could ever do to save our selves. That’s the meaning of Easter! He lived and died, so that we can live and live.          “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10

Do you get that? Jesus wants us to not only live, but to live life in large quantities, live plentifully, to the extreme! That really puts a smile on my face and makes my heart happy! He wants us to be thriving, enjoying, loving, sharing, caring and in doing so, we are doing all of these things for those around us. We are shining His light for all to see His good work, and in that, we glorify Him!

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4 Guaranteed Ways For Overcoming struggles in Jesus

Do you feel like an overcomer (someone who gets the better of a struggle or gains victory over a conflict) when you think of your life? Or do you feel more like a loser who is failing, missing the bullseye so to speak, going through the motions day in and day out but still feel lost without victory?

I am going to boldly say that most of you who are honest will say you are on the losing side of the struggle called life and do not feel like an overcomer of anything good. You do not feel like you are overcoming your struggles and feel victorious.

Women tend to compare themselves with other women. We listen to the wrong advice and are hyper critical of ourselves. We try to live up to other women’s lives, instead of living to be Christ like. But the good news is that we were created for so much more than feeling like a failure. We were wonderfully made in the image and likeness of God himself and made to live as overcomers even in the face of struggle and suffering!

You are an overcomer because of Jesus!

We who believe that He is the Son of God are overcomers. We who have faith in the 2,000 year old testimony of Him coming to this earth, being born a man, yet fully God, living a perfect sinless life of love are overcomers.

Jesus was beaten and crucified on your behalf, yet raised back to life three days later. He is the one true Son of God who takes away all our sins by what He sacrificed and endured for us. He was separated from his Heavenly Father for our forgiveness and redemption! Jesus bore your sins, my sins, and was able to overcome the world for his Father’s glory and for our eternal well-being.

1 John 5:4-5 says:

“for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. 5 

Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.”

Jesus said:

4 Guaranteed Ways to Know You Are an Overcomer in Jesus

1. If you admit you are a sinner in need of a Savior, believe and are born again, confessed that Jesus is Lord of your heart and has forgiven you of your sins, you are an overcomer.  “The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.” 1 John 4:4b

2. You must fix your eyes on Jesus and his ways, not what is seen. “For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16.     “We live by faith, not by sight.”  2 Corinthians 5:7  Always looking to Him and His Word for strength and peace. Acknowledge the fact that you are in desperate need of Him, you are an overcomer.

3. Keep in mind that the Christian walk is not easy, trials and troubles will come but don’t lose heart friend. You will make mistakes, you will stumble and fall, you will want to wave your white flag of surrender! That’s perfectly normal, and you sitting, waving your flag of surrender is exactly when Jesus lifts your chin and says, “It’s okay Love, I’m here to help.” Press on, stay in prayer and remember: He is always with you, you are an overcomer. “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

4. See the common thread above? Most of all Jesus. You cannot do it alone by your own strength or power. Only by Him, His love, His strength, His power, His Spirit, His work on the cross can you know without one doubt that you are an overcomer. Trust and obey and you are an overcomer.

 

 

Therefore friends, if you are like me, you may have struggled with feelings of failure and doubt but by seeking the Lord constantly and relying on Him, you too can know that you are an overcomer in Jesus. Believe in Him, have complete faith in Him, keep your eyes on Him, knowing He is always with you! If you need prayer or a word of encouragement, please feel free to contact me and I will be delighted to pray with you.

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Where to Find Comfort in Times of Confusion

Only a very few people knew that we are actually trying to have another baby. I am in my late thirties and hubby in his early forties, and realize that our kids are getting older and if we wanted to expand, now was our time to try. We placed our trust in the Lord and waited. Mid August 2016 we found out we were expecting. September 6th we found out the baby had stopped developing. Total confusion and disbelief set in. How? Why? This can’t be happening to us!

Someone shortly after said, oh you might not have meant to be pregnant but it’s still sad you lost the baby. That hit a raw spot in my heart. We did desire to be pregnant. We did want to expand our family. Even with already having four children living on one income and times being tight, our hearts desired to love and care for another. We knew God was bigger than our paycheck and knew that He would provide accordingly. We had faith in Him then, and still have faith in Him now. No matter what our future brings we know that He can be trusted and that He has good in store for us. We are being renewed day by day and wait expectedly for what His will is.

Today, March 15, marks the six month anniversary of my miscarriage. Looking back over the past six month after losing the baby, life seems very surreal. It sometimes seems like it never really happened, almost like a really bad nightmare and other times it hits me hard. I was pregnant. I was carrying a baby for several months. I did lose a baby. A sweet baby the Lord had blessed our family with. A baby that was very much loved and wanted by us all.

“Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. ” (2 Corinthians 4:1)

I would be about 38 weeks if I were still pregnant. Nathan, our 16 year old, was born at 38 weeks and the others between 38-39 weeks, so realistically we could have a newborn any day now. Sigh. But God had different plans for our family. Instead of him/her coming home with us, the Lord decided to bring him/her home to heaven. I know our baby is waiting on us with Jesus now, that doesn’t take the pain away totally, but it does give me hope!

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4: 8-9)  We are overcoming this only by His grace and mercy.

All things work together for our good! All circumstances, whether pleasurable or not, all heartaches, all highest of high moments, and the lowest of the low.  All things are for our benefit! Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

We are dependent creatures, who we are set apart for good works, and are being molded and shaped by the mighty work of God from the inside out. Once we plant this firmly in our hearts and minds we can have peace with whatever life brings our way and be comforted by our creator.. This life, this world, these struggles that we are faced with aren’t about us and making much of us, it’s about making much of Jesus.  We are to be focused on bringing glory and praise to the one who created us and loved us enough to die in our place on the cross at Calvary.

From the loss of my Dad two months after having my youngest daughter, heartache of all shapes and sizes, to my sweet husband working out of town alot and being a busy mom of four.  To moving hours away from all family and friends for my husbands job change, to a double cancer diagnosis in a close family member (currently in remission praise the Lord), to a miscarriage and all other life in between.

All very real joys and struggles that I personally have had to deal with over the past eight years or so. But no matter where I found myself, the Lord was near and had goodness in store of me.  He is also near all those who call on His name, anytime, day or night. Sickness or in health. There is comfort in knowing that truth. Call on the One who cares in your time of need. If I can pray for you, please contact me and it will be my pleasure to pray for you.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”

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Faith vs Fear

If your faith was pitted against your fear, which do you think would come out the victor?

Faith is defined as complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Fear is defined as being afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

Faith and fear cannot coexist.

Sure you believe in God and may even have been born again and call yourself a Christian. You believe Jesus is the one and only Son of God and that He died for your sins. But is your faith in Him, His ways, and His timing bigger and stronger than your fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of losing a loved one, fear that your children will choose the wrong path in life, fear of what others think of you, fear of paying that new bill. Could be any of those or a plethora of other things. It creeps up on the best of us. Sometimes it creeps up out of nowhere and for no logical reason. That nagging feeling of anxiety in your gut.

That’s when we need a prayer intervention.

We need a big hefty dose of the Word. Reach out to your prayer partner and ask for prayer, call upon the name of Jesus and ask for His marvelous presence to be there with you.

Psalm 34:4 says,  I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 27:1: The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

Mark 5:36:  Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”

Hebrews 11:1:  Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Satan is a big fat liar and he will lie and lead you to believe that God has forgotten you, that He doesn’t really love little ol’ you, that He will never keep His word, and that the Christian walk just isn’t worth all this pain. He will make you think that you have messed up too much this time, done the unforgivable, or are just past the point of return.  There is nothing further from the truth though! Remember that the Word is full of promise after promise and God never ever goes back on His promises! Repeat with me: I am blessed, blameless, predestined, adopted, redeemed, forgiven, chosen, and marked an heir in Christ(Ephesians 1:3-14)

Psalm 118:7 says, The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies.

Satan is the enemy of our souls and won’t quit trying to deceive us until the day Jesus comes back to take us home. But take heart, Jesus is right there helping you every step of the way. Have complete faith in Him! Turn to Him and He is there every.single.time.

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29 days that changed my life for the better

August 18th we found out we were expecting our fifth child. What a joy and shock to learn that God has blessed our family once again. That’s truly how we felt, overjoyed because we know many families that have endured for months, if not years, through fertility issues. At times I felt very unworthy and not qualified to have another child but a dear friend reminded me that those thoughts are lies from the enemy of our souls that comes to confuse and steal our joy. We were hopeful though, to see how God was going to work in our lives as we went from a family of six, to a family of seven.

Many times over the next few weeks I was reminded just how good God is and just how He has everything taken care of. He wants nothing more that his children to seek Him in all circumstances and rely solely on Him. I was reminded that we must keep our eyes on Him and on things above and not on the things around us or the situations that we are placed in. Colossians 3:2 says “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” I was reminded to pray even more for all of my children and plead to the God of heaven for His hand of favor to be upon them. The ones here and the one growing inside of me.  I was trying to remember to be thankful every single day that I had with them. Even if it wasn’t the best of days and I was at my wits end over a decision one of them had made or the latest bad attitude I was faced with by my beautiful twelve year old.

September 6th our world as we knew it came crashing down when we found out that our sweet baby didn’t have a heartbeat. He/she was already gone on to be with the Lord. We would not be bringing home a baby come spring. We would not experience all of the ups and downs of pregnancy. The thrill of learning the gender and choosing a perfect name was taken away. The excitement of shopping for tiny little clothes and diapers were fading away before they really began.

That was one of the lowest of the low points in my life, next to losing my Daddy seven years ago. I hated the feelings I was feeling. I hated the thoughts that I had. I was so scared and didn’t know where to turn to for help. Many times I prayed but didn’t really know what to say, I just called out His name. Jesus. Jesus. It brought comfort and peace. I told a friend that I was holding on to hope as best as I could but at times I left it slipping away. She reminded me that there is ALWAYS hope in Jesus.

21 Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;

Lamentations 3:21-25 spoke right to my hurting heart. I was reminded that my hope was in Him and Him alone. Nothing of this world could soothe or help me and the hurt I experienced. Only the maker of my soul could ease the hurt and calm the fears inside.

Psalm 94:19 reads, When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Jesus was my comfort, my sympathy, my relief, my help, my support, and my encouragement. He can be yours too, just reach out to Him. Call on his perfect and precious name.  Jehovah Shammah, He is our ever present Lord God. He never left my side and never will.

Twenty-nine short days we had you with us sweet baby Liberty. We love you and will never forget you or the impact your life made on our lives.

 jesus-is

 

Break the silence of pregnancy and infant loss

Experiencing the loss of a baby causes great emotion, emotion that you may of never felt before all at the same time. Great fear, great hurt, great confusion, great sadness, and great disbelief. For the most part, these feelings are felt in silence because the loss of a baby is a very sensitive subject, one that many people will never talk about. Maybe people are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Maybe fear holds them back from speaking up.  Fear of saying something that will remind the grieving parents of the baby but for many of us, the fact that no one speaks of the loss hurts greater than saying the “wrong thing.”

Scripture reminds me in the book of James 4:8-10:

Come near to God and He will come near to you.

Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Grieve, mourn, and wail.

Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

God was my constant in the days leading up to my miscarriage. He was near to me, His Spirit gave me strength and His Word was a lifeline. I read and read the Word searching for a message to soothe the ache that was growing inside me as I waited. I listened to many praise and worship songs by my favorite artist. “Though You Slay Me” by Shane and Shane was on repeat. A sweet friend who has also lost a baby shared it with me and it greatly encouraged my heart.

Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
 I encourage you to not suffer in silence if you are also the 1 in 4 women who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss. Speak up and speak out! Speak to those who are suffering. The silence is the loudest when it hurts the most.

Father, Thank you for your love, for your Word, and for your constant presence! Thank you for your promises that remind us that all things work together for the good of those who love you! In Jesus name, I pray. Amen!

Born into freedom

Baby Liberty.

We do not know if you are a boy or a girl but we love you and we miss you. We never got to hear your sweet heartbeat. Never got to see your little Marshall nose or count your toes. Never got to hear that sweet sweet cry. You were born straight into all of heaven’s glory. No pain, no sadness, no sin, and no loneliness. Born straight into God’s perfect creation never to be cold, hungry, or without the Lord’s love or presence.

Free from this fallen world. You are free to praise and worship day and night. Jesus is your light sweet one. There is nothing to distract you or get in the way. A full life of perfection and no memory of here but I pray you know me, know us and the love we have for you and how we so wanted you as a part of our family.

The days and weeks after we lost you were spent in much prayer. Constant fervent prayer for answers as to why this had happened. Seeking His will for how to cope and move forward. Praying for healing and answers, not only for me and Tommy but for the kids as well. They hurt too and didn’t understand. They knew Mama was sad and Mama cried alot and stayed in her room. They would come in and check in on me. Bring me food and drink. We shared many hours on my bed just talking, praying, crying, and trying to get through another day. Gwen took it the hardest of the four, our little caregiver, tenderhearted girl. She cried as much as I did.

They know that you are with Jesus now in heaven and I pray they are never afraid to talk about you. I pray that I am never afraid to talk about you and your impact on my life. Through your short life, I have learned what it truly means to seek the Lord and wait on Him. To love Him. To worship and praise Him for ALL that He has done for me and our family and continues to do.

God definitely gave us way more than we could handle. We had to lean on Him and each other just to live. We needed Him more than we had ever needed Him and He showed up in a big way.

Oh, how I long for the day when Jesus comes back to get us and take us home.

Mama misses you sweet baby. Mama misses you.

 

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 2 Corinthians 3:17

stargazing

 

Day that changed it all

hello1

All six of us were so excited for this appointment and to see our sweet baby and possibly hear his/her heartbeat. It was a beautiful sunny day in September. The kids and I had worked on school work and chores that morning like any other day. Tommy went to work. I cooked rice and broccoli for lunch, I was trying to eat more vegetables even though I didn’t have much of an appetite.

I met Tommy at the doctors office that afternoon. I was nervous excited because this was the first time I had met this doctor and I was so excited to see the new baby. Tommy was too, his smile told me. We chatted and laughed while we waited for the doctor to come in.

He came into the room and we went over some history and I answered some questions. He stepped out to get the ultrasound machine and the nurse. When he returned with it, he set it up so I couldn’t see the screen, just the back of it.

He studied the screen for minutes it seemed and didn’t say a word. He finally commented something about “it being blurry, very blurry.”  The nurse agreed and he clicked more buttons. I remember it taking much longer than when Dr. Baker did my other early ultrasounds. I felt in my gut that something was wrong. He wasn’t talking, he wasn’t moving the machine so that I could see my baby. He was moving the wand around and around. To the left, to the right. Tilting it this way.

Still silence. It was awful. My heart sank and began breaking. I cried out to God. I wanted to cry out to Him aloud. But it wouldn’t happen. Please God. Please I begged. God help me.

He finally spoke after what seemed like an eternity. He said something like, there is something in your uterus but I cannot find a heartbeat. Something in my uterus. Never once acknowledged there was a baby that my God had blessed us with. My sweet sweet baby that I loved so very much. My baby that I so desperately wanted. He was in shock I guess just like we were and his words were few and not very comforting or kind at all.  He suggested I go for a second opinion ultrasound at the hospital. But by that time it was 4:45 and the hospital radiology department was closed for the day. I said I’d go to a nearby town for one. I wanted to know what was wrong.

The doctor and nurse left the room and the tears began to flow down my face. My heart just shattered into a million zillion pieces because I knew that something was terribly wrong and my baby was not ok. I cried and cried and held my husband. I couldn’t breathe and it hurt so bad. God help me. Not my baby. Not our baby. Oh God.

We finally left the room to see the doctor on the hallway. He suggested we call the next day for the second ultrasound. Like here, ball is in your court, have a good day. I was crying. I asked if we could go to the next town over and they said yes and handed us a paper with an ultrasound order on it. I asked if there was a number on it on who we needed to call, where we needed to go, etc but the nurse just got on the internet and wrote the phone number on a post it and handed it to my husband. Didn’t offer to help by calling for us. Very cold. They acted as if I had a scrape on my knee or a common simple cold. My baby has died and they couldn’t care less. The sweet receptionist noticed what was going on and came over and gave me a hug and whispered some encouragement in my ear.

We went out to the van and Tommy called the hospital and they could only do an ultrasound if it was an emergency and the doctor called them. He went back in and they again didn’t offer to call and say it was an emergency. They just took the paper and said they would call in the morning.

Tommy offered to drive home since we had both cars at the office but I didn’t want to deal with going back at some point to get the second car so I drove home. I cried and prayed the fifteen minute drive home. I turned on the radio and a song came on that I had never heard.

“I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will”

It has been three weeks since we found out that the baby didn’t make it. Seems unreal at times yet feels so very real knowing our baby will not be coming home with us next spring.

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