All six of us were so excited for this appointment and to see our sweet baby and possibly hear his/her heartbeat. It was a beautiful sunny day in September. The kids and I had worked on school work and chores that morning like any other day. Tommy went to work. I cooked rice and broccoli for lunch, I was trying to eat more vegetables even though I didn’t have much of an appetite.

I met Tommy at the doctors office that afternoon. I was nervous excited because this was the first time I had met this doctor and I was so excited to see the new baby. Tommy was too, his smile told me. We chatted and laughed while we waited for the doctor to come in.

He came into the room and we went over some history and I answered some questions. He stepped out to get the ultrasound machine and the nurse. When he returned with it, he set it up so I couldn’t see the screen, just the back of it.

He studied the screen for minutes it seemed and didn’t say a word. He finally commented something about “it being blurry, very blurry.”  The nurse agreed and he clicked more buttons. I remember it taking much longer than when Dr. Baker did my other early ultrasounds. I felt in my gut that something was wrong. He wasn’t talking, he wasn’t moving the machine so that I could see my baby. He was moving the wand around and around. To the left, to the right. Tilting it this way.

Still silence. It was awful. My heart sank and began breaking. I cried out to God. I wanted to cry out to Him aloud. But it wouldn’t happen. Please God. Please I begged. God help me.

He finally spoke after what seemed like an eternity. He said something like, there is something in your uterus but I cannot find a heartbeat. Something in my uterus. Never once acknowledged there was a baby that my God had blessed us with. My sweet sweet baby that I loved so very much. My baby that I so desperately wanted. He was in shock I guess just like we were and his words were few and not very comforting or kind at all.  He suggested I go for a second opinion ultrasound at the hospital. But by that time it was 4:45 and the hospital radiology department was closed for the day. I said I’d go to a nearby town for one. I wanted to know what was wrong.

The doctor and nurse left the room and the tears began to flow down my face. My heart just shattered into a million zillion pieces because I knew that something was terribly wrong and my baby was not ok. I cried and cried and held my husband. I couldn’t breathe and it hurt so bad. God help me. Not my baby. Not our baby. Oh God.

We finally left the room to see the doctor on the hallway. He suggested we call the next day for the second ultrasound. Like here, ball is in your court, have a good day. I was crying. I asked if we could go to the next town over and they said yes and handed us a paper with an ultrasound order on it. I asked if there was a number on it on who we needed to call, where we needed to go, etc but the nurse just got on the internet and wrote the phone number on a post it and handed it to my husband. Didn’t offer to help by calling for us. Very cold. They acted as if I had a scrape on my knee or a common simple cold. My baby has died and they couldn’t care less. The sweet receptionist noticed what was going on and came over and gave me a hug and whispered some encouragement in my ear.

We went out to the van and Tommy called the hospital and they could only do an ultrasound if it was an emergency and the doctor called them. He went back in and they again didn’t offer to call and say it was an emergency. They just took the paper and said they would call in the morning.

Tommy offered to drive home since we had both cars at the office but I didn’t want to deal with going back at some point to get the second car so I drove home. I cried and prayed the fifteen minute drive home. I turned on the radio and a song came on that I had never heard.

“I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

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